Fantasy Football Finale

Clearly I ran out of creative energy after Nudity.  Here's how I finished the season.  We Need More...

• Week 14: Umm... (question mark)
• Week 15: Peyton TDs (Back of Denver's #18 Peyton Manning; arms raised in celebration)
• Week 16: Team Name Ideas (light bulb inside thought bubble)
• Week 17: Monkeys (a troop of monkeys from National Geographic photo)

Even though each round of the playoffs combined two weeks against the same opponent, I still decided to change names weekly.

Flasher Fantasy Football

I was part of a community theater production of "Little Shop of Horrors" in the fall of 2012.  One of my various characters was a flasher, and my first appearance consisted of wandering on stage and opening my coat to be viewed only by the trio girls.  I completed the opening number while holding my trench coat closed.  During the transition to the next scene, I revealed the clothes hidden beneath:  shorts and a t-shirt with "The End Is Near" written on it.

A bunch of cast members in "Little Shop" competed together in a Fantasy Football league during the show.  We continued the league again in the fall of 2013.  I decided to take a team name that changed every week by completing this phrase:  "We Need More..."  Some of them were based on my opponent.  Others were just for fun.  In addition, I found an appropriate photo (in parentheses) to use as my team logo.  Clearly, this flasher image was perfect for the Week 13.

• Draft: Legs (no picture)
• Week 1: Bananas (bunch of bananas)
• Week 2: Wood (lots of logs)
• Week 3: Pratfalls (polar bear falling down)
• Week 4: Balloons (house from "Up")
• Week 5: Tom (Tom Selleck)
• Week 6: Smack Talk (Your Team Suck)
• Week 7: Gummis (gummi bears)
• Week 8: Chivalry (I Beat Women...to the door to hold it open for them.)
• Week 9: Math (2+2=5)
• Week 10: Wins (Staples "Easy" button)
• Week 11: Guns (dusk silhouette of hunter aimed at flying duck)
• Week 12: Icy Sunsets (sun over ice)
• Week 13: Nudity (flasher character)

FYI, the team names from 2012 carried forward to 2013.  My final team name in 2012 was "Check Out These Legs," based on another of my "Little Shop" characters.

Thoughts on Love

Food for thought from the Carolyn Hax column in the Minneapolis Star Tribune on Friday, August 12:

I am a nonbeliever in love at first sight. There are two ways to be in love. One is to fall for the individual, and that can include looks, mannerisms, voice, beliefs, talents, education and a whole lot of very important attributes. The other way is to fall for what you and this person create together. Seamless conversation, easy laughter, a need to explain yourselves that verges on zero, a mutual and rewarding sense of purpose, a lack of self-consciousness, emotional security, and both the knowledge that you can take this person for granted and the certainty that you don't want to, because you want to give as fully as you receive.

The first kind of love--love on sight--lends itself to looking over one's shoulder for rivals. If I'm blown away by this beautiful/smart/compassionate person, the reasoning goes, then others will be too--and surely one of them will have a lot more to offer than I do.

It's a valid concern, since there's always someone better. Plus, attributes like looks, mannerisms, voice, beliefs, talents and education are, in fact, out there for prospective rivals to see.

The second kind of love, on the other hand, is one of a kind, takes a while to grow and often isn't visible to others. The way you enjoy, encourage and appreciate each other, to the mature couple anyway, is of far higher value than landing a model or an M.D. Think "alchemy"--the transformation of common materials into something precious.

Whether someone "better" than you covets your partner is of much less consequence in this case; your easy laughter and emotional security will be a constant reminder that your superior rival would have to create a better relationship with your beloved than you do, which is less likely (and why emotional affairs are so painful).

So, the way to deal with that sweet-talking dude of yours is to ask yourself which love you have--one of attributes, or of alchemy? Is each of you fine with the other and grateful to have checked a few boxes, or are you each other's oasis?

The former is very tough to admit. If it's alchemy you want, then it'll be worth both the pain and the wait.

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Take a look at your own relationships. Are you building something better together than either of you could be separately?

Patriotic Comics

When I read the comics, I expect them to mention major holidays. However, it seems that comic strips have been ignoring the calendar more frequently these days. On Sunday, two comics (Heart of the City and Non Sequitur) referred to the National Cartoonists Society's Reuben Awards held a day earlier. I am not familiar with these awards, and I was looking for a different topic--patriotism. I was surprised that Doonesbury skipped it.

Right on cue, Crankshaft held a barbecue to kick off summer. Regular readers can guess what happened. Taking it to a new extreme, Homeland Security detected the explosion with their satellites as they surveyed for possible terrorist activity.

Sally Forth and family took to the road. "Where can all these cars possibly be headed? There are only ever two possible destinations-home and someplace else. Obviously these people aren't going home. And no one can afford to go somewhere else in this economy." "Where are we going?" "I...I thought you knew." "So we just got in the car for Memorial Day weekend out of habit?" "At least we have an excuse, but what are these other people thinking?"

Those that mentioned the traditional purpose of Memorial Day did a fine job of remembering those who have served our country.

Wizard of Id recognized that some people only get the Sunday paper and shared their message twice.

Sunday:

Monday:

Heart of the City took a break from the usual diva (Heart) and geek/nerd (Dean) activity to remember the fallen.


Even the adventure comic Rip Haywire took a day off from chasing bad guys to share their message.


But perhaps Arlo & Janis said it best.


Happy Memorial Day.

Apprentice or Follower?

On the Celebrity Apprentice, Hope Dworaczyk [Playboy Playmate of the Year] had to defend herself against claims that she was a follower and a weak player. First, Hope referred to Nene Leakes's [Real Housewives of Atlanta] leadership as verbally and mentally abusive, which is ironic because Nene's is playing for Twisted Hearts, a charity that brings awareness to the plight of domestic violence against women of all races.

One example of the verbal abuse occurred at the beginning of the task in front of Donald Trump and Farouk Shami, the founder of Farouk Systems, maker of hair care products they had to promote in this week's episode. Nene attacked the manipulative strategy of Star Jones [lawyer, cohost of "The View"] and called Hope a puppet on a string under Star’s spell.

In the boardroom Hope said, "I don't think I've been a follower. I think I've done what I was told to and I'm led by the project manager." That sounds to me like she admitted to being a follower. She quietly stayed under the radar. While that is the stance I would generally take, it is not successful in reality television, especially in the world of Donald Trump.

A web column (www.realitytvworld.com) detailing the highlights of the episode took a different perspective, saying: "Hope also stuck up for herself and claimed she was simply allowing herself to be led by the project manager, but should not be considered a follower as a result."

Hope's arguments were not strong enough to contend against the tenacity of Nene and Star. As a result, she was the person fired this week.

What Kind of Kid Are You?

The two comics below are located next to each other in the Minneapolis Star Tribune. If they weren't, I probably wouldn't be comparing their messages.



Some kids want to grow up. Others want to remain young as long as possible. Life may be dirtier for Dennis, but he definitely has more fun. In comparison, Jeffy is resolved to wear a CPAP (sleep apnea mask) every night of his adult life.

Look at the reactions of the second character in each strip. Bil seems to be thinking, "What does he mean, snore like me? I don't snore." Meanwhile, Margaret has her typical scowl. On the inside, though, she wishes she was wearing pants so she could play in the watering hole and pour mud on her head.

SNL Fact Checker

In Saturday Night Live, episode 3619 hosted by Helen Mirren and aired 4/10/11, one skit portrayed a three person talk show on FOX News (FOX & Friends). In satire of the belief that FOX News pundits make up their information, they concluded the segment with the following text scrolling on the screen.

"Our fact checkers have finished combing over the first two hours of the show and have a few corrections."

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President Obama’s middle name is not “Danger.”

First lady Michelle Obama was born in Illinois, to human parents.

“The first trimester” refers to a stage of pregnancy. It is not a Tom Clancy novel.

Libya is a country in Africa. It is not part of Saudi Arabia.

Singer Rebecca Black’s song “Friday” refers to a day of the week. Not to a Chris Tucker movie.

The American flag does not have an eagle on it. Nor it President Ronald Reagan’s picture on it.

Hawaii is part of America. Hawaiians are not of Arabic descent.

Lil Wayne is a popular hip hop artist. He has never toured with Wayne Newton. Nor does Wayne Newton have a dwarf brother.

Apples are not vegetables. They are also not grown in Kenya.

Most scallops are edible and safe when cooked.

“Jai Lai” is a sport played on Florida. It is not known if the activity is preferred by Mexican drug cartels.

Bruno Mars is an American pop singer. He lives on Earth. He has never been indicted or convicted of organ trafficking.

Green is a color.

Moamar Quaddaffi is President of the country of Libya. He has never driven a taxi for a living.

Ronald Reagan did not create the lottery. Nor did he invent casual Fridays.

Jane Fonda lives in America. She has never been photographed with Osama Bin Laden.

There is no, nor are the any plans for, a “Six Flags Baghdad.”

The Federal Food Stamp program was not created by Karl Marx.

Egypt has never had a mummy president.

Your sexuality is not determined by your blood type. Nor is it determined by your enthusiasm about the songs of Lionel Ritchie.

It is not possible to catch AIDS by having a beard.

The state of Massachusetts has never mandated that Mohammed be put next to Jesus in Christmas nativity scenes.

The sun is not made of “hot gravy.” It is actually made up of several gasses.

Cell phones do no cause Chlamydia.

Filmmaker Michael Moore has never shut down the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas never fought in World War II. Nor was he giving the “Congressional Medal of Truth.” There is no such medal as the “Congressional Medal of Truth.”

A baby can only be created by sperm and an egg. A homosexual cannot create a baby using trickery and the Internet.

Americans landed on the moon in 1969. This was part of the NASA space program and not to “get away from hippies.”

No one has ever eaten a pizza with their butt.

Former President Bill Clinton has nothing to do with the Rebecca Black video “Friday.”

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If the news were truly that inaccurate, no one would ever tune in—or so we’d like to think.