I Bet That You Are Not Here

Abbott and Costello. Those two names automatically draw your thoughts to the famous routine "Who's on First." Certainly they did not become well-known for a single play on words. In the movie "The Noose Hangs High," they pull off a routine called "I Bet That You Are Not Here." The movie is available on Hulu.com, but you can find the single clip on YouTube.

As a note: I copied the introduction paragraph and transcript from Clown Ministry (www.clown-ministry.com). They have several Abbott and Costello scripts written out.

Abbott and Costello are being guarded by a gangster—and Bud Abbott decides to bet their warden that Bud can prove that the gangster isn’t there! It’s a classic piece of clown logic, that gets even better when the gangster decides to win his money back by making the same bet with Lou Costello—only for Lou to turn the tables on him! It’s virtually a verbatim clown skit as is, but you’ll want to be sure to add some visual clowning to it, since it’s primarily a verbal routine.

Gangster: Get this--no noise while I'm here.
Bud Abbott: You're here?
Gangster: Yeah, I’m here.
Bud Abbott: Who said you were here?
Gangster: What do you mean, I’m here, of course I’m here!
Bud Abbott: You wouldn’t want to bet on it?
Gangster: You wanna bet me that I’m ... are you crazy or something?
Bud Abbott: I’ll bet you you’re not here! Ten dollars says you’re not here!
Gangster: Well that’s a bet, chump, come on.
Bud Abbott: Here, you can hold it too.
Gangster: Ten dollars ...
Bud Abbott: That you’re not here!
Gangster: Alright, alright, prove it that I’m not here.
Bud Abbott: You’re not in Chicago, are you?
Gangster: Why, certainly not!
Bud Abbott: No ... you’re not in Philadelphia, are you?
Gangster: No!
Bud Abbott: No ... You’re not in Saint Louis, are you?
Gangster: Course not!
Bud Abbott: Well, wait a moment ... you’re not in Chicago, you’re not in Philadelphia, and you’re not in Saint Louis, you must be someplace else!
Gangster: That’s right!
Bud Abbott: Well, if you’re someplace else, you can’t be here!
Gangster: No ...
Bud Abbott: (takes the money) There you go!
Gangster: Hey, that’s a good one! I’m gonna play it on my boss! He could use a little humor.
Bud Abbott: Sure, sure!
Gangster: (notices Lou sleeping) Does the moss know about this?
Bud Abbott: No, he don’t know anything.
Gangster: He don’t know anything?
Bud Abbott: Nooooo ...
Gangster: I’m gonna pull it on him.
Bud Abbott: Go ahead.
Gangster: (to Lou) Hey you, get up out of there. Hey! (rouses Lou) get up, get up!
Lou Costello: What’d you get me up for?
Gangster: I wanna bet you ten dollars that you’re not here.
Lou Costello: (lays back down)
Gangster: Hey, c’mon!
Lou Costello: What’s the matter with you?
Gangster: I wanna make you a bet. I bet you ten dollars that you’re not here.
Lou Costello: You wanna bet me ten dollars that I'm not here.
Gangster: Right! A chance to make some money. Come on.
Lou Costello: (opens his coin purse with a creak, removes rubber band and finally hands over a ten dollar bill) There you are.
Gangster: Are you ready?
Lou Costello: Yes.
Gangster: Now I’m gonna prove to you that you’re not here. Now, you’re not in Chicago, are you?
Lou Costello: No sir, but I’ve got an aunt there ...
Gangster: No, you’re not in Chicago, are you?
Lou Costello: No, sir.
Gangster: And you’re not in Saint Louis?
Lou Costello: No, sir.
Gangster: And you’re not in Philadelphia?
Lou Costello: No, sir.
Gangster: Now if you’re not in Chicago, and you’re not in Saint Louis, and you’re not in Philadelphia then you must be someplace else!
Lou Costello: That’s right.
Gangster: And if you’re someplace else, you’re not here!
Lou Costello: Yes. (Lou takes the money) That’s right.
Gangster: Hey, give me back my money!
Lou Costello: Who took your money?
Gangster: You did! That’s my money!
Lou Costello: I took your money?
Gangster: That’s right!
Lou Costello: Now just a minute, big boy. Didn’t you say I wasn’t in Chicago?
Gangster: That’s right.
Lou Costello: And I wasn’t in Philadelphia?
Gangster: Yeah, yeah!
Lou Costello: And I wasn’t in Saint Louis?
Gangster: That’s right!
Lou Costello: Well if I’m not in Chicago, and I’m not in Saint Louis or Philadelphia, I must be someplace else.
Gangster: That’s right.
Lou Costello: And if I’m in someplace else, I couldn’t be here, isn’t that right?
Gangster: That’s right.
Lou Costello: If I’m not here, how could I take your money?